There are plenty of lame-ass ways to earn money. Anyone can get a job, recycle aluminum cans, or teach someone’s dog to not shit inside the house.
And going on welfare or committing insurance fraud is for spineless bitches. It doesn’t take any talent to do that.
But it takes a real champion of life to make money the crazy way. And making money in such an enjoyable manner isn’t even like work—it’s like taking drugs and doing fun stuff—except you wake up in a dumpster with pockets full of cash.
Come join me as I educate, enlighten and entertain you on how to make money the crazy way!
Steal a Rich Person’s Dog for Ransom – People love their pets. And the bigger a loser that person is, the more they’ll be willing to pay you to see their prized paw-friend again in one piece. And sure—some of you would rather steal a dog from someone’s yard, call the phone number on the dog’s I.D. tag, and tell the sobbing dingleberry on the other line how much cash to doggy up.
But wouldn’t it be WAY more fun to break into the person’s house, smear dog food all over the walls, take a doggy toy, and throw it through a framed picture of the dog and its owner? BINGO. Because the more you wreck their house, the more serious they’ll think you are about collecting that ransom. You’re welcome.
A final piece of advice: when you call the pet owner and make your demands, if you meet any resistance, tell the person, “Your dog told me you were a cheap motherfucker.”
Typically, the person will respond, “Really? He said that?” And at that moment, you’re as good as gold….
Sell Drugs: Yeah—I know. I get zero points of the creativity scale. But selling drugs is a great paying job. All you have to do is deliver the goods, take the money, and in the event someone tries to kill you, run super fast.
But think about it—all you need to do is have good stuff and sell at a profit. As long as you do this, you won’t have a problem finding or locating customers. Also, you’ll meet super interesting people. You ever met a person who was tweaking? Yeah—it’s pretty cool. So you’ll probably want to buy a bullet-proof vest. And learn karate.
And whatever you do, DON’T DIP INTO YOUR STASH. Also, don’t ever let a woman pay you in sex. Unless, of course, you want a wicked case of crabs.
Get Paid to Participate in Medical Studies: That’s right. Big pharma is willing to pay you hundreds and sometimes even thousands of dollars to be a real live guinea pig. Chances are, they’ll make you take some sort of drug—often F.D.A. approved already.
But I’ve noticed that the crazier and riskier a study is, they more they’ll pay you. So, yeah—you might get cancer of the nutsack, but they’ll give you $2000. Seems legit.
Become a Prostitute: OK—first thing’s first—if you’re a guy, attractive women aren’t going to pay you for sex. Your clientele will consist of homosexual men and if you’re lucky, homely English women.
But if you’re a woman, the sky’s the limit! I’ve seen some ugly-ass prostitutes out there. And I’m convinced there are guys who actually want the ugliest hooker. Why? Because they have issues!
Wait… you don’t believe me? OK… remember that British actor Hugh Grant? Yeah, well that guy was married to the ultra-sexy Liz Hurley, and he cheated on her with a Grade A dumpster fire prostitute.
Also, if you happen to be an attractive woman, you don’t even have to be called a hooker, or even a prostitute. Hot women have the name call girl reserved for them. Or escort.
Oh, what’s that I hear? STDs?
Geez! No job is perfect, you know!
Well, even if you’re unattractive, you can make money as a webcam model. All you need to do is get naked, shake your breasts like they’re full of Milk Duds, and wait for the royalties to come pouring in. And if you want to remain incognito, wear a Richard Nixon mask.
Sell Beer to Minors: This source of income is as American as apple pie. Maybe more so? By buying beer and selling it to a minor for profit (or receiving a set cut for doing so), you’re not only providing youngsters with alcohol, but giving them memories that will last them a lifetime.
Think about when you were a teenager… those times you wish you could obtain some alcohol….
YES! When you sell beer to minors, you’re an American hero! A savior! You can live vicariously through the younger generation by making them popular and by getting them laid.
And as you watch those teenagers walk off into the sunset with that case of Beast Ice, you can take the money you rightfully earned, go back into that corner store, but yourself your favorite alcoholic treat, and drink it in its entirety as you recount your precious, lost, joyous youth….
It’s OK to cry… I’m not here to judge you. Let the alcohol fuel your tears.
Break Into… Wherever: Although we touched on the idea of breaking into someone’s house to steal their dog (or other prized pet), it would be silly of me to not address another wonderful money-maker. It’s called breaking into… wherever.
Wherever there’s cool stuff. Yeah… so trespass into that abandoned house, steal that vintage clawfoot bathtub, and sell it to some rich woman with fake tits and a spray tan.
And if she happens to be wearing yoga pants and those unnecessarily large Jackie Kennedy sunglasses, double your asking price because she’ll pay it.
And if that sounds too classy for you, there’s surely a junk yard with your name on it. What I like about junkyards is that they’re like a video game. They’re full of rabid beasts, rusty dangers, and creepy men with loaded weapons.
If you’re unsure what to steal, I suggest old car parts, UFOs or the cash register located inside the office.
CALL TO ACTION: Where’s the coolest place you’ve ever broken into? Comment below.
Blackmail Someone: Blackmail sounds so… racist. I prefer calling it ‘Give me money or I’ll tell people about your sick, perverted secret!’
Pretty much everyone has something they don’t want the world to know. Take me, for instance—I would be super embarrassed if anyone found out about that Victoria’s Secret model who used to break into my house and molest me as I pretended to sleep.
I mean, if people knew that she used me for multiple orgasms, I wouldn’t know what to do? I so need to keep that a secret….
But seriously—my buddy’s brother likes women’s toes; and he’s super embarrassed when my friend makes fun of him about it. And if I wanted to, I could say to the guy, “Dude—give me money so I can buy some beer for me and that Victoria’s Secret model who rides my marsupial meat.”
And he’d tell me to go to hell. So I would reply, “I’ll tell your coworkers…” And guess what? I’ll be drinking beer in no time. All it takes is to know someone’s secret. It’s that easy.
Kill Someone: I saved the best for last. For each and every asshole in the world there’s a person who’s willing to pay you to kill that asshole. And that’s where you come in!
Sure—murder for hire isn’t for everyone (which is why I listed it last), but if you’ve got the grit to end a life, you deserve to ride a unicorn over a rainbow made of money.
And I should add… you don’t have to actually kill the person directly. Just promise me you won’t do something unoriginal like cut their car brakes. That’s classless.
Do something SUPER CREATIVE. Impress me. Here… I’ll get your imagination started: train a gerbil to blow himself up when he reaches the asshole’s asshole. Then outfit said gerbil with explosives and wait for the blast.
MAJOR BONUS POINTS if you use this idea to kill Richard Gere.